My 2019

The new year is coming up so I felt compelled to talk about my 2019. I see everyone celebrate the best parts of their year. Oh, I got my dream job or I met the man of my dreams. And I could do the same. I got accepted into my Masters programme and wrote one of the hardest projects of my life. I started writing for myself again and felt comfortable enough to blog again.

However, 2019 was the darkest year of my life and I want to talk about it. Now, some people will probably think: oh, you should think positively about the year and stop letting negativity into your life. Let go of the negative and let in the positive. I dont feel positive about this year, but you know what…let’s give it ago.

 

Negative: a corrupt system tried to destroy an innocent family

Positive: the family still have each other

I wont go into too much detail about this. But yeah, I had a lot of stuff with my family this year. It made it unbearable to be at home and I wanted to escape. I used college and my friends as my way to leave the house whenever I could. Since that negative force has left our lives, my family has become calmer. A weight had been lifted and we just want to be left alone. We went through something that no one should have to go through. But we got through it together. I appreciate my family so much more after our experience this year. I love them so much.

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Negative: a bad year to start a relationship

Positive: I still have that person in my life

To open yourself up to someone, that is tough. This year, I experienced the first simbalence of a relationship. It was great, then it wasnt great. It was with one of my best friends, which seems perfect. But all good things must come to an end. It was painful and a learning curve. But I dont regret it. The best part to come out of this, is that we are still friends. That was my biggest fear about that relationship. I didnt want what we have to be affected. I still care about this person and I didnt want anything to come between our friendship. I consider them my best friend and we have been there for each other in the darkest of times. I  hope we can still be that way now. We are getting there bit by bit, but this relationship came at the worst time of both our lives. But we are still there as friends, just as we’ve always been and should be.

 

Negative: my Masters programme was the worst experience of my college career

Positive: I managed to complete a 15,000 word project that I had a genuine interest in and I’m graduating

When I submitted my thesis on the 16th of September, a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. To finish such a massive project, it almost brought me to tears. With everything that was going on at home, I thought I would never get to that point. I even considered extending my submission date. To give myself more time to process everything. But I’m so happy I got through it. I dont know if I would do it again, but it was a fascinating experience in my life. I waited three months for my results. It was excruciating and I feared the worst. With everything happening at home and in my personal life, I didnt have the motivation to write my thesis. I was sure that I failed. But when I found out I passed, I couldn’t believe it. It added so much to that feeling I had when I submitted my dissertation. A heavy weight lifted off my shoulders and pure joy.

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Negative: a close friend betrayed me

Positive: I got rid of someone toxic in my life

This close friend of mine was a constant stress in my life, but I never let go. I thought they were contributing something to my life and I didnt want to let that go. A four year long friendship gone in an instant. I’m glad to have separated myself from this person, but they left a lot of chaos behind. They betrayed my trust and hurt someone I really cared about. That was unforgivable. I’m still trying to move on from the pain this one person caused, but I’m slowly getting there. I’m happy to have cut that toxic person out of my life and keep my real friends closer.

My 2019 had a lot of downs. Sometimes, it’s hard to see the ups when you are constantly hit with hard times. Everytime I had a calm, happy moment, it was shot down by something horrible. A horrible phone call or a heartbreaking message could lead to a horrible day or month. But I cant help but think of the good times. The times I met with my friends. They picked me up when I was down. I cant help, but feel grateful to them for making my 2019 a little better. And even though our relationship ended, you made a part of my 2019 really special. It’s hard to lose a close friend, but it taught me who my real friends were. No real friend could do what you did. I’m also so grateful to my strong, resourceful family. We have been through hell and back for many years. It culminated this year and I thought we wouldnt survive it. We are still going strong into 2020, so I guess you cant kill a good thing. My 2019 was filled with horrible tragedies, missed opportunities and heartbreaks. But 2020 will be better. I feel like moving forward with the people i love and leave the bad stuff behind. Instead I want to a new perspective to my life. New year, new me. I guess well have to wait and see. This will be my last post of 2019 so I wanted to leave on a happy note. Here are some of my happy memories from this year. See you in 2020.

 

 

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Second Chances

New poem, guys. This is for the lovely people out there that keep giving people second chances and for some reason, it doesn’t seem to work out for you. Hold on guys. I promise you that things will get better. Enjoy!

I remember it all too well,

This feeling of a broken existence.

I cry out my feelings,

But I don’t give you the satisfaction of seeing my tears.

We went to our favourite café,

And ordered the usual.

All of the happy memories spent here,

With your laugh and smile

Over a cup of coffee,

Have been replaced with this empty feeling.

Your eyes filled with tears,

As you spoke three little words:

“I am sorry.”

Words so meaningless and hollow to me.

I have been here too many times.

I am sick of this constant replay of events.

For once, can this movie end differently?

Where the girl gets the guy,

No complications, no bullshit,

And live happily ever after.

But this isn’t a fairy tale!

This is reality!

“Please forgive me. I am nothing without you.”

There it is again!

I am nothing without you,

Really?

That phrase has been overplayed

Through your lips,

The same beautiful performance that comes so easily to you.

But this time, it has a new effect on me.

It sickens my stomach,

It causes my teeth to clench,

And my heart to boil over.

My mind and heart can’t take it anymore.

My big heart led me to these repetitive acts of forgiveness.

Time and time again, it ends the same way,

I’m stuck in a time loop,

And the only way out is to cut you out,

Cut you out like a poison in my veins.

My small bit of sadness is replaced,

With exhilarating joy.

The sight of your tears and the look of realisation in your eyes,

That it is over,

That it is really over,

Excites me.

Too see your heart break,

Enthrals me.

For once, you are the one filled with sadness.

For once, I am not giving you a

Second chance.