What Was I Made For?

I pondered this piece or this thought I had recently. What does it mean to be human? Or worse yet, what does it mean to be me?

I listened to Billie Eilish’s song, What Was I Made For? I watched the Barbie movie. And I broke! Thanks a lot, Greta Gerwig. I know that sounds ridiculous. How could a movie about a doll make me feel this way? But this blog post isn’t about my feelings toward the movie Barbie. I’ll save that for another post.

I can be anything! I laugh out loud. What a joke! I can do anything if I put my mind to it! If that were true, why do I feel so stuck? Why do I feel like a failure? That I must show everyone that I’m doing better! That I am looking for a better-paying job! That I dress better! That I have myself figured out! To dab down the dreams of a twenty-something-year-old college student.

What makes me happy?

The days when I read books and discussed literature. The deep dives into Jane Austen or the horror-filled night that inspired Mary Shelley to craft Frankenstein. I wrote for myself and joined poetry events with my friends. Those were the years I was the happiest. But that’s seen as a dream not pursued. Something that you can’t pay for or live off of. A life not worth anything! What’s the point if it doesn’t get you a better-paying job!

I’m unhappy where I am. I’m unhappy with who I am. I want to go on to something better. Something that makes me happy. But happiness is tied to a better wage. Happiness is tied to a mortgage or a life figured out. If you don’t have a stable plan, you are seen as a failure by other people. Instead of doing something that gives me meaning.

What was I made for?

I feel like I’m stuck between I know what I want and what other people want for me! I’ll be thirty in a couple of years. And what do I have to show for it? I had a good early twenties! How come I couldn’t follow it through into the beginning of my thirties?

I can’t believe a Barbie movie triggered me back to my existential crisis era. I am smart. I know what I want, but it feels so impossible to obtain. Where did that excited 20-year-old girl go? The girl with a light in her eye felt happy enough in her own skin. She didn’t need foresight or a plan for a “better life” as some people like to say. She knew what made her happy. So much changed for her and I felt like I lost my way. I lost my will for a good life or a happy life for myself. So when I heard the idea of “What was I made for?” I broke. I am not the first to feel this way and I won’t be the last. I want to feel happy and not apologize for searching for it. It feels like I won’t be good enough for it and that spills into everything I do. I want to be good enough but never do.

I hate that I feel this way about myself. I am smart. I am worthy of anything I set my mind to. I guess, my self-worth hasn’t caught up with my brain and I freeze in place.

What am I made for? Who knows, but it isn’t what I am doing now! That has to change or else, I don’t know where I’ll end up.

A little depressing and the ramblings of a woman in an existential crisis. But I guess that’s the truth at this moment in my life. I hope you are all doing good and I’m glad to be back blogging. Hope to see you in the next post.