What Was I Made For?

I pondered this piece or this thought I had recently. What does it mean to be human? Or worse yet, what does it mean to be me?

I listened to Billie Eilish’s song, What Was I Made For? I watched the Barbie movie. And I broke! Thanks a lot, Greta Gerwig. I know that sounds ridiculous. How could a movie about a doll make me feel this way? But this blog post isn’t about my feelings toward the movie Barbie. I’ll save that for another post.

I can be anything! I laugh out loud. What a joke! I can do anything if I put my mind to it! If that were true, why do I feel so stuck? Why do I feel like a failure? That I must show everyone that I’m doing better! That I am looking for a better-paying job! That I dress better! That I have myself figured out! To dab down the dreams of a twenty-something-year-old college student.

What makes me happy?

The days when I read books and discussed literature. The deep dives into Jane Austen or the horror-filled night that inspired Mary Shelley to craft Frankenstein. I wrote for myself and joined poetry events with my friends. Those were the years I was the happiest. But that’s seen as a dream not pursued. Something that you can’t pay for or live off of. A life not worth anything! What’s the point if it doesn’t get you a better-paying job!

I’m unhappy where I am. I’m unhappy with who I am. I want to go on to something better. Something that makes me happy. But happiness is tied to a better wage. Happiness is tied to a mortgage or a life figured out. If you don’t have a stable plan, you are seen as a failure by other people. Instead of doing something that gives me meaning.

What was I made for?

I feel like I’m stuck between I know what I want and what other people want for me! I’ll be thirty in a couple of years. And what do I have to show for it? I had a good early twenties! How come I couldn’t follow it through into the beginning of my thirties?

I can’t believe a Barbie movie triggered me back to my existential crisis era. I am smart. I know what I want, but it feels so impossible to obtain. Where did that excited 20-year-old girl go? The girl with a light in her eye felt happy enough in her own skin. She didn’t need foresight or a plan for a “better life” as some people like to say. She knew what made her happy. So much changed for her and I felt like I lost my way. I lost my will for a good life or a happy life for myself. So when I heard the idea of “What was I made for?” I broke. I am not the first to feel this way and I won’t be the last. I want to feel happy and not apologize for searching for it. It feels like I won’t be good enough for it and that spills into everything I do. I want to be good enough but never do.

I hate that I feel this way about myself. I am smart. I am worthy of anything I set my mind to. I guess, my self-worth hasn’t caught up with my brain and I freeze in place.

What am I made for? Who knows, but it isn’t what I am doing now! That has to change or else, I don’t know where I’ll end up.

A little depressing and the ramblings of a woman in an existential crisis. But I guess that’s the truth at this moment in my life. I hope you are all doing good and I’m glad to be back blogging. Hope to see you in the next post.

I want to create

That moment when you feel your life comes to a halt and you think, “what’s next?”

What’s the next career move? What is the most beneficial choice that will make you the most money and give you a great standard of living? What are you going to do next? Are you going to save for a mortgage?

I sit at my desk, with a laptop in front of me and I’m frozen. Frozen in place with no forethought of what I want in my life and feel powerless to make those steps. All I think is that I don’t know what I want out of my life, so fuck it. I’ll take that interview for a monotonous factory job that I know I’m going to hate. If I get it! This downward spiral happened after I graduated with my Master’s degree and I attempted to apply for a Ph.D. But that never went anywhere. So I felt stuck. What can I do with an English degree? Nothing was coming my way, but in fairness, I didn’t try as hard as I could. Because I didn’t feel like I was talented or smart enough. I didn’t feel like I was worth anything. I stopped trying. I stayed where I was. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed, due to my feeling of worthlessness and that it wouldn’t lead me to a good job anyway.

Well, it’s 2022 and I’m here to make a change. I don’t feel quite out of the woods yet. Even though I’m having an existential crisis about my career, I’m happier than the last time I posted. A lot has happened in the past year. I started reading and writing again. I’m analyzing stories again like I did in college ( maybe some reviews and essays on the way). I’m submitting my stories and poetry. I made more time for myself for the past year. And I met someone. He came at a point in my life when I wasn’t looking for anyone, but he swooped in and changed everything. At the end of 2020, my mental health improved exponentially. I was happy to be alone. I had my friends, but I didn’t seek happiness with anyone else. For the first time in my life, I was happy with myself. So he definitely came at the perfect time. We’ve been together for a little over a year and it has been amazing.

There have been bad times though. One of my best friends ignored me for three months and proceeded to block me on all social media. I later found out why they decided to cut ties with me. It definitely got me to reflect on who I was and who they were. What being a friend means, but also that you don’t need closure for these things. They didn’t want to hear from me or wanted to hear my side to what they said. Some things I understood and sympathized with. I wished they gave me that opportunity to apologize or at least, have a conversation about it. However, to villainize me in a way that betrays who I built myself up as a person. I’ve made mistakes as any human has. But to make statements that feel so far removed from who I am and who I have tried to be, made me question my relationship with this person. It made me question every relationship I had, with my other friends, with my boyfriend, and with myself. Am I the scary one? Am I the villain?

I lingered on that thought. I fought it, embraced it, and squashed it all at once. No matter how hard you try to be a good person or be kind to people, you’ll always be the villain in someone else’s story. Either you fight it, which I wasn’t allowed to do. They wouldn’t allow me to defend myself. So I moved on. I pressed on and accepted the fact that this person was never my friend. If they really felt this way about me, there is nothing I can do to change that. They’ll perceive me in whatever way they perceive me. It only matters what I think about myself and the real people I surround myself with, who know who I am. I definitely did a lot of self-reflecting this past year. Some have come out in my work. My W.I.P has come into full focus after all these things happened. I know the main theme and focus I want to work on. I want to push for this approach. I want to be more artistic and free with my choices. I restricted myself for too long. I want to make a change.

I got a tattoo and going to get many more. I got tougher, I have written harder. I want to challenge myself more. I want to push myself more. I want to do what I desire. I want to drop everything and live in a cabin in the woods. I want to scream into the void but silently on a piece of paper. I don’t know. I know myself enough, that I feel I need a bit more freedom to decide what I am instead of who I am. I want to write. So I’ll WRITE. I want to read. So I’ll READ. I want to express my life experiences and discover the world through the written word of other people. To experience new literature and other art. I want a life of exploration, but I still feel stuck. I want to be free. So I start here. My blog always felt like a place where I can explore and just be. I call out into the void, to people on the internet who may or may not listen.

I guess 2022 will be the year ill figure that out. Come along for the journey if you dare. I’ll keep posting what I love, whether that be a piece of poetry, an update of my life, or a book review. I guess I’m here to revamp my life. I just want to create and I’m really excited about it.